What Started with Good Intentions Can End with Good Intentions: Notes on Intentional Divorce

I like to call it intentional divorce. When a divorcing couple says to me, yes, they not only want to negotiate the terms of their divorce in as quick, affordable, and painless a manner as possible, but that they also want to honor the good side of their marriage and each other. This is something more than keeping things easy and amicable (though they want that too); this is about treating their divorce as another important step in the process they began when they got married. Interestingly enough, I find that by being intentional about divorce, couples seem more likely to have a mediation process that is amicable, affordable, and efficient.

Every couple approaches intentional divorce in their own ways. For some couples, divorce, even with all the difficult changes it can bring, becomes a kind of sacred project. For some, this is a moment to avoid hurting their children the way their divorced parents hurt them. For some, there is a tremendous amount of pain and anger, but rather than holding onto bitterness and distrust, they seek to create the futures they both deserve.

However my clients wish to approach their divorce, it is my own intention to honor each couple’s—each person’s—specific needs. I’m here to help all the couples I mediate for decide not only what they will talk about in mediation, but how they will talk about it.

In intentional divorce mediation, we can begin with conversations about your bigger goals. Especially in our first session, I ask about your shared goals, values, and vision for mediation, for your divorce, and for co-parenting and/or continuing to live in the same community after your divorce. In subsequent sessions, we come back to these goals.

Take a moment! Can you imagine what it might be like to attend your child’s wedding?

There are divorces in my family, and I have seen the power of a divorced couple being there for their adult children, even though they themselves no longer live together. No worries about who will sit where or say what, just support and the desire to enjoy the moment.

Individual planning sessions. Talking with each of you one-on-one I help you get ready for the conversations you’ll be having during mediation. Here you can think deeply about what you want for your divorce process, in addition to practical strategy.

Conversations from a human point of view in addition to a legal and financial point of view. In intentional divorce, the two of you can come to agreements not always covered by a traditional marriage settlement agreement, such as what makes for a good divorce, the way you want to talk to your children about each other, possibilities for healing, including psychotherapy and other practices, or even the creation of a small ceremony to help you move on to the next phase of your lives.

Take another moment! The photo for this piece is of a fountain in Pittsburgh’s beautiful Mellon Park. On sunny days throughout the spring, summer, and fall, people come to get their pictures taken by professional photographers. Senior photos. Prom photos. Engagement photos. Wedding photos.

I doubt anyone comes here to get divorce photos. I’ve been around long enough to know why they don’t.  And yet I wonder how much easier this thing you’re going through could be if both of you had a way of honoring the lives you’re about to move into as well as the ways your marriage mattered to you.

How will you mark this transition? Do you remember your wedding vows? What commitments do you wish to make today? For yourself? For your children? Even for each other?

Tell me. What do you want when all of this is done? What is in your heart? What is sacred to you, meaningful to you, still left to be done by both of you?

I’m listening.