Knowing What You Want: Useful Mediation Practices

When it comes to people getting a better sense of what they want, I believe that there is something special about the entire mediation process. Still, I would like to note some specific mediation practices that contribute to parties' self-understanding, as well as some ways people might engage in related practices outside mediation. Hopefully, this will be helpful to those considering mediation, preparing for mediation, or addressing issues without the aid of a mediator.

I. Throughout mediations mediators ASK each party what they want. This in itself can be very powerful, especially because people are not always asked what they want. Often, they are told what to do, told what they should want.

Do you ask yourself what you want? Do you listen to your own voice? You can do this for yourself. Make a list of what you want. Journal about it. Reflect on your desires. Remember, as you work through the question of what you want, you are allowed to change your mind!

II. People get listened to in mediation. Mediators listen to each party. And often parties in mediation start listening more deeply to each other. Sometimes having the space to talk and be heard is enough for a person to get a better sense of what they truly want.

III. Mediators let the parties know what they are hearing. As discussed in Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein's, Challenging Conflict: Mediation Through Understanding, when the mediator gives someone a sense of what they, the mediator, are hearing, that person “feels understood, and begins to have a fuller understanding of her own views.”

IV. Mediators ask questions meant to help parties clarify their thinking. Sometimes getting asked key questions (and trying to answer those questions) gives people a new perspective. One of the many things they see more clearly is what they want.  

Is there someone in your life who listens to you? Attempts to understand you? Asks important questions? Lets you figure out what to do rather than telling you what to do? Could you find such a person? Might you hire a professional, such as a coach, to help you uncover and act on some of your most important goals?

If you would like to work with others on deep listening, insightful thinking, and the art of asking “incisive questions,” consider exploring sone of the many books on the topic, including Nancy Kline's Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind.

I cannot say it enough . . . whether in or outside mediation, it benefits all of us when YOU come to know what YOU want!