Although the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, is not explicitly about divorce or mediation, I believe that mediators and mediation parties alike will find it informative. All of us could improve how we participate in difficult conversations, whether they take place at home or work - or during a mediation.
Recently, I revisited a chapter in Difficult Conversations called “Abandon Blame: Map the Contribution System.” Here the authors counsel us not to use conversations to blame others for "what happened" but rather to explore what each person (including oneself) did or is doing to make a situation less than desirable. “Focusing on blame is a bad idea,” the authors state, “because it inhibits our ability to learn what’s really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it.”
It is notably hard not to engage in blame in the middle of a divorce. And yet, on some level, mapping contribution and not getting lost in blame are things that I, as a mediator, try to help divorcing couples do. In mediation, I do not make people drop blame. No do I ask them to deny emotions or blame themselves. Rather, through my questions and my focus on problem-solving, I help them reflect on their roles in creating problematic situations and explore how they could do something different to make those situations better.
Whether you are trying to strengthen a relationship or negotiating the terms of a divorce, please consider reading Difficult Conversations or, at least, the chapter on letting go of blame, which includes the thought-provoking passage below.
When the dog disappears, who’s to blame? The person who opened the gate or the one who failed to grab her collar? Should we argue about that or look for the dog? When the tub overflows and ruins the living room ceiling below, should we blame the forgetful bather? The spouse who called the bather downstairs? The manufacturer who designed an overflow drain that is too small? The plumber who failed to mention it? The answer to who contributed to the problem is all of the above. When your real goal is finding the dog, fixing the ceiling, and preventing such incidents in the future, focusing on blame is a waste of time. It neither helps you understand the problem looking back, nor helps you fix it going forward.
Comments