Mediation Success Tip: Seek Understanding

When conflict arises, most people do one of three things: argue harder, give in too quickly, or avoid the matter altogether. Unfortunately, these approaches often keep the conflict going.

In my second Mediation Success Tip video, I talk about a more effective path: actively seeking understanding.

Too often, we try to solve problems without fully understanding what's causing them. We rush to convince the other person that we're right and they're wrong, or we compromise quickly to avoid the discomfort of disagreement. While those approaches may bring temporary relief, they rarely create the foundation for moving forward.

Mediation offers a different process. I listen to you, and you listen to each other, as we explore what you each want, the realities you're facing, and what it would take to reach agreements that move you toward a better tomorrow.

At the start of mediation, I often share a definition that captures this approach:

Mediation is a voluntary process in which the parties make decisions together based on their understanding of their own views, each other's, and the reality they face. The mediator works as a non-coercive neutral to help the parties negotiate an agreement that serves them better than their alternatives.

— Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein, Challenging Conflict: Mediation Through Understanding

One key thing to recognize is that mediation is a process—not just another conversation where people talk at each other. I'm here to help you, but ultimately, you will do the work needed to reach understanding and decide which path is right for you.

In the video, I share five practical tips:

Understand what you really want. For example, it's one thing to say, "I want to keep the house." But when you look deeper, you might realize it's really about wanting stability, and staying in the house feels like part of that. When you understand the deeper need, it's easier to explore solutions that work for everyone.

Work to understand what the other party wants. Understanding doesn't mean agreeing. It means knowing what you're responding to. One of the most important realizations in mediation is that two different perspectives can exist at the same time—recognizing this is often what makes agreement possible.

When you feel tempted to criticize a proposal, slow down. Ask questions to better understand what's being said and why.

Don't rush to agree. Take time to ask questions and fully grasp what's being proposed. Check in with yourself: Does this really work for me?

Stay in the process—even when it's hard. When you feel defensive or frustrated, resist the urge to walk away. Disagreement is normal. It doesn't mean mediation has failed.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HRjMjZFHQU&t=2s.

I hope you find these insights useful as you prepare for or participate in mediation.